Bob Campbell is one of only 264 Masters of Wine in the world. An international wine judge, Bob judges wine professionally in ten countries and contributes regularly to publications around the world. His specialty is New Zealand wine which he reviews from an international perspective.
Legless!!
Putting my feet up - for a couple of months!
Beware the deadly donkey
Falling slowly from the sky
You can choose the way you live my friend,
But not the way you die
Edward Monkton
A week ago I had a close brush with the deadly donkey. It was Saturday evening, Marion was cooking boeuf bourguignon, house guest Richard was reading a book and I was trying to decide what to drink while we watched the six o’clock news. There was just time to change the spa pool filter before we settled down for the evening. I strolled out onto the cold, rain-swept deck and slipped on a short piece of hose. My leg buckled under me. I collapsed in agony. Certain that I’d broken a femur I writhed on the slippery deck until Marion and Richard rushed to my aid.
I often think of peculiar things in times of great stress. It occurred to me that I hadn’t cursed when I hit the deck. Then I thought of gangster movies. If someone fires a shot and it narrowly misses its target the intended victim will often exclaim “shit”, or perhaps “shit, you nearly hit me”. If the bullet inflicts a minor wound the curse might be upgraded to “fuck!” or “fuck, I’m hit”. But if someone receives a fatal shot they never curse. Instead they utter a throaty “Aaaargh!” before dropping dead. Cussing is beginning to lose its impact. Even respectable TV presenters now utter the odd obscenity that might have once landed a man in jail. Perhaps they should consider a good old primeval “Aaaaargh” for more impact. It worked for me. I gave such a genuine, back-to-basics “Aaaarg!!” that help arrived in seconds. “Fuck” might have taken minutes while nobody seems to give a shit about “shit” anymore.
Neither leg seemed to work. If I moved a muscle I received the sort of spasm that makes childbirth look like a doddle. Eventually I was dragged inside and checked by a doctor as I downed a therapeutic glass of Moss Wood 2007 Cabernet Merlot. Spinal column intact, no broken bones apparent but there could be muscle and/or ligament damage. Four hours in the Accident and Emergency Department of our local hospital produced a similar diagnosis. I was given pain-killers and crutches despite my assurance that it was impossible for me to use crutches. They didn’t supply wheelchairs because patients nicked them.
I had a new class starting on a couple of days. Borrowed a wheelchair from a rest home and with the help of Marion; who set up, cleared up and chauffeured; it was a success.
Returning home at 9.30pm I called a friend and orthopaedic surgeon for his opinion. I explained how the accident happened to which he said, “I know what it is, I’ll be there in five minutes.” I’d apparently, and unusually, broken the quadriceps tendons in both thighs. I needed an operation or I’d never walk again. “Be at the hospital by 8am tomorrow morning”, I was told.
I quite enjoyed a spell in hospital. The food was crap but the portions were so small they tasted great. Didn’t feel much pain, slept a lot and read a bit. Marion arrived with a bottle of decent wine every evening but seldom had more than a sip – plastic tumblers kill good wine.
HIGH POINT: While giving me a sponge bath at 3am the night nurse commented, “You’re in quite good shape for a man your age”.
LOW POINT: Back home. Hadn’t had a shower for a week (but was enjoying the sponge baths). A ramp had been constructed to allow me access to my shower. I stripped butt-naked and taped a plastic rubbish bag to each leg to protect my leg braces. The wheelchair wouldn’t go up the ramp. Marion grabbed her camera but couldn’t focus due to tears in her eyes. I was in a dark mood for the rest of the evening.
I’ll be in leg braces for 6-8 weeks then in rehab. for a while to get my legs working. At least the deadly donkey didn’t make a direct hit.
July 6th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Hope you have a speedy recovery
Surely the wine will ease the pain!
July 7th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
I notice despite all trauma that you still managed to clutch a glass of wine. But I would like to ask – how would you know what childbirth is like!! is there something we do not know!!
Trust you will be peg legging it soon
July 7th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Yes, the childbirth comment was a cheap crack designed to elicit a response (which it did). You’ll note that I’m clutching an empty glass, not a glass of wine. Will experiment with wines to hurry up the healing (Forrest “The Doctors” Riesling perhaps?) and report back.
July 8th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Glad to hear you are OK.
July 8th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
In sickness and in health, it’s good to know you retain your sense of humour!
The childbirth crack – works every time; controversial yet effective…
July 9th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Aaaarrg did the trick for quick help, but I think you needed to use Fuck at the emergency ward. I can’t believe they sent you home like that. Thank god for friends in high places.
I am glad you get to laugh about now. Luckily you have good access to the right medicine,ie Pinot Noir!!!!
July 9th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
I hope you delt to that hose on the ground like you would the donkey.
Look forward to seeing you when you are mobile again.
Keep Solis in a few glass’s of Corbans Cottage Block Hawkes Bay Chardonnay 2007 (if you have some..he he)
Get well soon Bob
July 9th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
How much did you bribe the night nurse?
A) Nothing?
B) $100?
C) A dozen of her favourite vino?
2nd question
A) which part of your anatomy was she referring to?
B) which part of your anatomy would you like to think she was referring to?
C) you realise that round is quite a good shape?
Oh, I’ve got it, it was 3 am and the light was off.
Brenda says you were lucky to have escaped Auckland Hosp. so early. She was about to take you up to Womens’ Health to let you see what real pain is all about.
Seriously though, it was obviously all Marions’ fault. I know how silly you get when she cooks Boeuf Bourguignon. Next time she cooks it, invite us around and we’ll look after you.
BTW How was the Moss Wood?
All the best for a full and speedy recovery. Just do what they tell you to, you’ll be right.
July 10th, 2009 at 8:40 am
Bob, your glass is empty – and that’s a worry. Mmmmm, I don’t think you will be on the golf course for a while.
July 10th, 2009 at 9:04 am
As a matter of fact you’ve interupted my packing up six bottles of extremely fine red wine to be shared among the nurses in my ward – more a thank you than a bribe but you never know when I might be back.
She was washing my back because I had a high fever after the op. and after a comment like that I prayed she wouldn’t turn me over.
The Moss Wood is terrific and, at $54, ressuringly expensive but well worht the price.
July 10th, 2009 at 9:06 am
The worst part about my temporary hadicap is the potential (but temporary) drop in my golf handicap.
July 11th, 2009 at 6:16 am
Hello Bob! Megan gave me the blog’s adress, what a story! I’m glad to know everything is ok and hope you get well very quick. I’ll njoy some wine “à ta santé”! Lots of love,
Christine (from frogs in your garden)
July 13th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Geez Bob
You sure know how to make a scene and then post a good story as well! Just as well that you know an orthopaedic surgeon in high places, otherwise you’d really be in the crap!!! F**K*N hospitals – they never cease to amaze me how wrong they can get things sometimes. Here’s to a speady recovery.
PS Nice glass!
July 13th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Thanks Carol. The glass is a Spiegelau Authentis.
July 13th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Well, bugger me Bob, a sight for sore eyes. Notice there are two empty glasses on the shelf besides the one in the hand, suppose you are waiting for the waitress, look in the eye says you are? Did you manage to get the filter changed or would you like me to come around and do for you? Just need to ensure it is dry and hose is in it’s proper place ?
Good luck for a speedy recovery, I am off to the States tomorrow but will come around when I get back to share a glass or two.
Get well and enjoy the pampering. Marty and Sue.
July 15th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Well this will surely test the theory that wine ails all woes and certainly added to the flowery language, Monsieur Campbell I am shocked with that! You should have known better than to try and do that niggly little changing spa filter pre dinner and good glass of wine, that’ll teah ya
Might have been better result post dinner and several bottles of wine- limbers you up and makes you like ballet dancer so they say- but what would I know on that one. Anyway, hope you recover quickly and that you are well taken care of, but with Marion on that I have no doubt! See you soon. Love the photo
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:04 pm
I hope you getting better and will soon be able to rally behind the tennis net again. The last time I saw you legless, you’re foot was stuck in a waste paper basket on fire.
Of course we can wager on Saturday’s game, as I should have claimed an extra bottle for South Africa beating New Zealand in the Confederations Cup anyway.
Hope the wheelchair doesn’t slow you down too much, get well soon.
Ross
July 24th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Thanks Ross, less said about the flaming rubbish bin the better. I look forward to balancing the ledger this Sunday.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
If you are still having trouble with the shower Bob, Shorty says she can come up and give you a good licking. Not up to a 3am sponge bath by a night nurse I know but for some reason she loves to lick skin too ? Get well soon mate.
December 12th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Hi Bob.
Same thing happened to me in London about three years ago now. The worst thing was that it went undiagnosed for three months. Has x-rays in London, nothing broken so they sent me back to the hotel with codeine and crutches. Got back to NZ went the doc and it assumed I had “nana’s knee”. So it wasn’t until the leg collapsed on me again that something was done about. You were lucky to get fixed immediately.
There were some funny highlights before I had surgery and the most notable going to Hanmer Springs and damn lower part of the leg wanted to flaot off by itself.
Anyway due to my delayed surgery all the muscle is wssted and it still plays – I think marathons are a thing of the past.
I now hope you are mended and enjoying the ways of wine again.
Cheers
Chris
March 9th, 2010 at 5:49 am
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